Football picks... Week 9

As promised, here are my matchups for our Week 9 Pick'em.  I have pitted the mascots against each other in a veritable deathmatch of sorts to determine the outcome against the spread.  We shall see how I did at week's end...surely better than I have been doing!

Texas Longhorns (-8.5) vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys.
ADVANTAGE: Cowboys

Rationale:  A cowboy could rope a longhorn steerinto submission.  

Florida Gators (-17) vs. Georgia Bulldogs.
ADVANTAGE: Gators.

Rationale:  A gator would eat a tiny bulldog as an hors d'oeuvre.

Southern California Trojans (-4.5) vs. Oregon Ducks.
ADVANTAGE: Trojans.

Rationale: Men of Troy were fearsome warriors. The would impale a duck on their spears and roast them over the ashes of their defeated combatants.

Florida State Seminoles (-7) vs. North Carolina State Wolfpack.

ADVANTAGE: Seminoles

Rationale: Seminole Indians were masters of the land and revered wolves. They would tame the wolves into submission. They also could destroy them with a bow and arrow.

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-10.5) vs. Vanderbilt Commodores.

ADVANTAGE: Yellow Jackets

Rationale: Bees sting people. Commodores, being susceptible to bee stings, would therefore be rendered inept and could possibly die.

Texas A&M Aggies (-6.5) vs. Iowa State Cyclones.

ADVANTAGE: Cyclones

Rationale: A cyclone would destroy a person's house - even an Aggie, who might build a technically skillful abode. Nonetheless, mortal man is powerless when pitted  against mother nature's wrath.

Ole Miss Rebels (-3) vs. Auburn Tigers.
ADVANTAGE: Rebels

Rationale: Although well dressed, this confederate gentleman packs a six-shooter conveniently next to a flask inside his coat.  This pistol, when fired correctly, would easily dispatch a tiger at close range.

Nebraska Corn Huskers (-12) vs. Baylor Bears
ADVANTAGE: Bears

Rationale:  A) This bear looks mean, B) Corn husking farmers are too busy picking their fruitful crop. Bear easily mauls unsuspecting corn farmer and C) Bears, Beets, Battlestar Galactica.  We don't have Beets, but Corn is close enough.

Oregon State Beavers (-8.5) vs. UCLA Bruins
ADVANTAGE: Bruins

Rationale:  Pitted against another bear, this happy-go-lucky chap stands no chance.  But against a Beaver? C'mon..Bears eat them along with the salmon who swim upstream.

California Golden Bears (-6.5) vs. Arizona State Sun Devils
ADVANTAGE: Sun Devils

Rationale: Devils are powerful beings - the keepers of the dark realm in you will. This one is especially angry because he's been in the sun all day and is obviously sun burned.  Devils also command a legion of demons.  No match for a bear. Not - even - close.

Missouri Tigers (-3) vs. Colorado Buffalos.
ADVANTAGE: Tigers

Rationale: It's a close one.  Buffaloes are more stationary animals though - eating grass and meandering the plains. Tiger sneaks up from behind and attacks when Buffalo is grazing.  In a tiring battle, tiger eventually overcomes.

Oklahoma Sooners vs. Kansas State Wildcats
ADVANTAGE: Wildcat

Rationale: Sooners arrived before everyone else in their land-stealing party.  Because of this fact, they arrived undersupplied and without firearms.  Missing these essentials for survival, a group of them is easily overcome by ravenous Wildcats.

Kentucky Wildcats (-3) vs. Mississippi State Bulldogs
ADVANTAGE: Wildcats

Rationale: For previous reasons, a Wildcat could easily eat a Bulldog. Enough said.

Texas Tech Red Raiders (-7.5)vs. Kansas Jayhawks
ADVANTAGE: Red Raiders

Rationale: A Red Raider is armed with two pistols.  Shoot these tiny songbirds is a walk in the park.

Tennessee Volunteers (-5) vs. South Carolina Gamecocks
ADVANTAGE: Volunteers

Rationale: These self-selected fighters are woodsmen and carry long-barrel muskets.  Even those these chickens are trained to fight, they are easily sniped from a distance away.

My Roommate is the luckiest SOB......

Let me just begin by saying:  College Football is some serious bullshit.  Every week, I play in a $5 pick'em.  I've probably been gambling on sports since I was a freshman in college... mostly with only minimal success.  Nonetheless, I understand how the bets work, how lines are calculated, and how Vegas makes it's duckets. In our Pick'em, I play against my roommate and her boyfriend.  

Three weeks ago, Sarah won the pot..a modest $70.. and I considered it simply beginners luck.  I remember marinating on the couch, as I usually do on Saturdays...watching whatever game was on the tube and explaining to her how the lines worked - how to read favorites and what it means to "lay points."  I'm still not sure today if she even understands what we were talking about.

Last week, Sarah won again.  Actually, her and I tied.  We both picked 11/15 games correctly but she beat me on the tie-breaker - the composite sum of three games total points.  I had a victory in my grasp - yet it slipped away in an instant.  I took my loss like a good sport, congratulating her on her second win in consecutive weeks, and vowed to decimate my competition this week.

Fast forward to yesterday.  My games fell apart early - Thank you Arkansas, Baylor, and countless others...  Sarah, miraculously, won for a third straight week!  UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE.  Her celebration dance is morning resembled something between the Icky-Shuffle and something T.O. would create. I find it hard to believe she can have this much dumb luck - but I can find no reasonable conclusion beside maybe she knows what she's doing.

I think I'm going to pick next week based on my favorite mascot match-ups...imagine a veritable mascot-on-mascot death match. The winner will be my choice for the week.  I will post my picks on this tirade for all to critique.  For now, I'm going to wallow in the self-pity of the Modelo Especial's in my fridge which were left from a previous football party and hope my New Orleans Saints put it to Miami.

Fantasy Football ... Worst Start Yet.

I've been playing fantasy football for quite some time now.  I've won some leagues, made the playoffs in others, and had some bad years along the way.  The start to this year has been absolute garbage.  Let me illustrate:

Everyone who has played me has had CAREER scoring weeks.  Each week, the player who seems to "go off" is undoubtedly playing against me.  Week 1:  I play my old boss.  I was looking forward to complete domination ... run the score up domination... Texas Tech domination if you will.  His defense?  Philly.  Ya, that was the week Philly scored 60 points by themselves.  RIDICULOUS.  Defenses shouldn't score that much!  It's a goddam defense.  Again, ridiculous.  So, my team puts up OK stats - stats that should make it close and competitive... all for naught, though, as Philly singlehandedly gave me the L.

Week 2:  After I turn the hot water off in my team's preverbial locker room, throw out the recliner's in the player's lounge, and force them into fantasy two-a-days to prepare for my next opponent, I am reading the previews and licking my chops.  My biggest obstacle, Chris-Freaking-Johnson.  He goes off for Tennessee scoring, again, over 60 points in my league by himself.  Jesus!  Can I catch a break?  Nope.  My team fights out valiently and should have won ... but alas, it was not meant to be.

So I ponder:  Will this be the theme all season?  I surely cannot believe that it would be.  Many of my players are underperforming when they are projected to shine.  So far, my big "thanks a freakin lot" awards go out to... Jay Cutler (week 1), Matt Forte (week 1), Michael Turner (week 1), Tony Romo (week 2), and again, Matt Forte (week 2).  Matt Forte is dangerously close to getting the pink slip in his locker, a-la Major League, if he keeps this garbage up.

Well, I got that off my chest.  More topics to come, but this has been on my mind for two weeks now.  I feel so much better.

The Dallas Cowboys...

I get up early - like I do most Sundays and participate in my Sunday morning pre-game ritual.  I log on to CBS fantasy sports, watch Fantasy Football Today, and examine my lineup for the coming game.  My teams have been doing terrible - mainly because people like Romo and Barber have been less than spectacular this season.  I decide to keep Romo in and play both Barber and Choice.  Why?  They're probably the best match-ups - but more importantly - I can watch the Cowboys on TV.  I like playing guys I can watch.  This gives me the ability to cuss them out in real time.

I've also been doing quite terribly in my office pools.  I can't pick a college or pro football game to save my life.  This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me and my history with gambling, either.

Since I cannot pick a team, I think it's more appropriate to start a new office pool...so I will propose this:  FLOZELL ADAMS PENALTY POOL.  This guy is TERRIBLE.  Freakin' terrible.  When the 'Boys get in the red zone, EXPECT him to get a penalty.  It doesn't matter which one: False Start, Holding, Hands to the Face... it's doesn't matter. Flozell Adams kills drives.  Flozell Adams drains momentum.

I wish the Cowboys would cut his ass.  Every week, I plan on getting on here and posting my pick for how many penalties he will commit.  Asterisk for all those which clearly killed a drive.  I think my innate desire for competition will drive me to see how many times I can win my own trophy :  The Flozell Adams/Hot Garbage Award.

#76#76